Was I a depressed rebound or a manic impulse?
He sent me a letter he wrote to his friends early in our relationship
bragging about what he had learned about me, what he admired about me.
It was beautiful. I saved it and would re-read it over the next 5 years
when I needed to be reminded that I am loved.
But he left out the last part when he sent me this letter,
the part where he wanted to end it.
Even when I asked over the years, "Were you trying to leave me?"
He never brought it up, never mentioned the last part of that letter.
He never said "yes" or "no"to my question.
Instead, he insisted that he always knew he loved me
and was scared.
I accepted that as enough, I trusted him.
He made me promise to let him take care of me,
to let him love me, to trust him.
Now I have no idea who I married and he is sitting in a room somewhere alone,
too mad to even know himself.