"Tilting at Windmills"

A work of art not my own

2010-12-10T20:32:00.001-08:00

this is one of those songs that you hear all the time on the radio and take it for granted. The song and the video really have a strong important message and since this has been a very stressful week of ranting and disappointment, I thought I'd share with you all something that reminds me why we must keep pushing forward.

I'm not trying to change the world, just making the most of the piece I was dealt.

Korean reunions 2010

2010-10-31T05:33:00.000-07:00

For the last few months, South and North Korean families have been reunited after 60 years of separation from the Korean War. I've been following the events this weekend and am deeply moved by the photographs and stories of these survivors of war. The faces of these families speak for themselves. There are so many...too many..stories to be heard. The picture on the left is of Yang Yoon-Hak and his older sister, a North Korean, saying goodbye for the last time. This reunion was actually held in late September this year.
I cried when I saw this picture, it made me think of my brothers and what it would be like to not see them again until I was very old.
The look on the sister's face is what stirred me the most, I see a woman who has waited decades for that warm loving hug from her brother and in one moment is about to lose him all over again.

I had already scanned through a few photographs before, photos mostly of S. Koreans getting on a bus to leave N. Korea, with their relatives grasping their hands through the windows, trying to hold on just a little bit longer.

And there were others:
The photographs of Roh Joon-Hyun and Jang Jung-Gyo staring into each other's faces and embracing each other were even more moving when I learned that they are husband and wife.

Photographs of Lee Hye-Hyung wiping away the tears of her mother Kim Yoo-Joong.

Ri Jong-Ryul looking at photographs of his family in South Korea.

and many many more..

I feel ashamed to think that this is a story I would not have followed had I not been stationed in this country. I would have read the article, maybe... but once I had finished, I would have probably not thought about it again.

So what do we do?
We read and we listen.
I believe in stories and that some deserve to be heard as much as they deserve to be told. That is the most we can do sometimes.

Links:
http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/OtZ22tjD1MH/Relatives+North+South+Korea+Reunite+After/

http://www.koreaherald.com/national/Detail.jsp?newsMLId=20101031000397

http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/10/113_75511.html

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/10/30/nkorea.skorea.reunions/index.html

(insert rank here) "Quixote"

2010-10-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

I don't blog enough. I realize this. I should do more, I have a lot to say and a venue to say it all in. (Though I am restricted now by my current occupation)

I met a Lieutenant Colonel recently, a physical therapist to be exact, that made a statement to me that seems to follow me where ever I go. You see, the older Officers of our Army tend to want to give advice to the younger Officers of our Army whenever they can fit it in.

This is also true of Sergeants Majors. Boy oh boy do they love telling young Officers what to do...

I have learned to accept this, openly, regardless of the source of advice and my personal feelings toward that individual. In this case (and in most cases honestly) it was not a hard medicine to take. In fact, he sort of slipped it in my drink if you will. Some Field grades are good at that..as was the case with Doc here.

Those are my favorites, the ones that give advice and guidance without being teacher-y. They sneak it in during normal human conversation, reminding you that they respect your humanity regardless of this machine we are a metal gear in that we call the Military.

Doc talked to me first about my back, the reason I was there. He explained my diagnosis and asked about my position to determine how my job would affect my condition and vice-versa. Then he unsuspectingly lead the conversation to the realization that we both were Californians. In fact, he studied at SFSU..
that's right..Bay Area all the way!)

This bit of information is important, which I will explain soon enough.

Our conversation led to him telling me about his practice in San Francisco before he joined the service, he told me it was hard to fit in the Army and that he didn't think he would last as long as he did. He used this bit of information to reference an earlier conversation (when we were strictly talking about my back). You see, earlier I told him that I didn't see myself making a career out of the Military and that my back would play a key factor in that decision down the road.

He seemed to have kept that bit of information in his memory bank awaiting the moment to lead me to a conversation where he would attempt to relate to me. I now know he baited me with our kindred pride of being Californians, especially the kind of Californians that are of the SF Bay Area. (we are a proud folk after all..)

He then told me, "So you never know, you might find yourself still here 30 years later..like me."

He said he was voted less likely in his class to make it a career, and now is the only one from his commissioning class left serving. He said when he lived in SF he worked as a therapist, he rarely used a vehicle, was liberal and blended in as a stereotypical San Franciscan (and no, not in a homosexual way. I know what you are thinking). He told me again that even to this day he doesn't feel like he fits the mold of a Military Officer.

"Neither do I Sir. I don't know why I am here anymore."

And here is where I insert the statement that seems to have become a constant in my life: "Because the Military needs minds like ours to make change."

and with that he continued his diagnosis of my back, gave me stretches to do, a crappy profile and a good scolding on why its important to not hurt myself for the sake of 'leading from the front'.

I have been told this before, the first time came from a friend of mine in OBC. I made some rough statements in class about the bombing of Hiroshima to LTC Ellis (The Commander of our TRADOC Battalion at the time) and got criticized by my more conservative class mates for being a hippie. My friend pulled me aside later and convinced me to disregard their remarks and stand by my convictions. "The Army needs more people who think like us, or else they are never going to progress...its never going to change."

On one hand I feel empowered by this type of support; that I am important to something so grand provides me with a feeling of worth and importance. On the other hand, I feel burdened by that empowerment. This job is not easy, and to remain here against all odds, against a machine that is so set in its ways.... and still provide the service I have been hired to provide...is tiring and stressful. There are so few of us, and in many ways I feel that my fellow service members who relate to the way I think and feel about the world are far to sensitive for the military. Maybe there isn't a change that is meant to happen, maybe this is why our military is so successful and our country is a world power.

So what do I mean by "The way I am". Well, read my other blogs and you will see what I mean!

In all seriousness, I am not a "typical" Service member. Just being from California stirs the discomfort of my fellow brethren in arms. And in retaliation to creating that discomfort, I get teased for being from the 'Granola State' being a 'hippie', 'pot-smoker', from the land of 'Fruits and Nuts' and my personal favorite for being a 'bunny-hugger'. I've never considered myself Liberal or Conservative. I believe what I believe and it cannot be categorized into one genre or clique or party or group or whatever you want to call it.

Do my views tend to be more "liberal"? probably. I don't have a name for the way I think, but if you feel the need to name it by all means, whatever makes you more comfortable. My presence in this Army, in this world, is not meant to make people uncomfortable..unless it is necessary to ensure mission accomplishment. I am here because I thought I could do some good. Everything at the end of the day is for my benefit, so that I feel productive and useful in society...because that is ultimately how I survive.

I believe in the rights of all people regardless of religion, sexual orientation, race/ethnicity, gender, political party, favorite color... you get it.

I respect all spiritual beliefs or refusals to believe in anything at all.

I admire the Viejita who posts the huge statue of La Virgen in her lawn because she believes in will protect her home and all who enter it, The Ajima who climbs the mountain every morning to the temple and pray to Buddha because she believes it will bring peace to her country, The beautiful, confident woman that chooses to wear a scarf over her head everyday before she leaves her home and the ordinary man who finds comfort in knowing that there is nothing more to life then being born and being dead.

This is respect. Respect for those who believe in what you yourself do not find to be true.

I believe homosexuality is more biology than a choice.
I believe prejudice against homosexuals is the equivalent to racism.

I believe racism is still rampant and alive today, it has only learn to disguise itself and be more subtle.

I believe in preserving the earth, whether global warming is real or not.

I believe in saving polar bears.

I believe in evolution.

I believe in education, with all my soul, heart, mind and body...do I believe in this.

I believe an ocean could not have be created without that first drop of water, a beach could not exist without that first grain of sand, a body without that first atom.

So this blog I dedicate to all the "Don Quixotes" of our Military. Our mere existence seems to be enough for now, change does not come over night. Patience and strength is key to success. Remember our history and the changes our Military has made to become the mighty force it is today. And as cliche as it may sound, remember your Army Values, they embodied what is right and justify our desire to "tilt at windmills".

Pride

2009-11-20T05:53:00.000-08:00

In my life, it is the hardest thing to overcome. It bites me in the ass in so many ways. Be it, not backing down in a battle not worth fighting, getting involved in a battle that is not really my own, saying vicious things that I know will scar even the toughest of souls or worst of all, not having the courage to apologize and admit wrong doing when these things occur.

One thing I have learned in my young life is that small gestures of kindness can have a huge impact on people. A smile, a genuine concern for the outcome of another person's day, a message of "thanks" or "good job". I know this from my own experience as being a receiver of kindness, an occasional giver of kindness and an observer of kindness playing out its role before my eyes among others.

Today an old friend of mine from elementary school told me she was proud of me. I have not physically seen this young woman since we were 13 years old. We barely speak anymore and we have completely different interests in our lives. That one phrase "I really am proud of you.." meant so much, especially from one that I hear so little from.

Another old friend from Kindergarten told me a while back that she missed me.
Another ends all emails to me with "love you" and reminds me of how much she appreciates my friendship.
I received letters from home yesterday full of "I love you, I miss you, I wish you would come home"
My cousins and aunt constantly remind me of how proud they are of me..

I think back to the times when I took the energy to give kindness to others. Telling others that I am proud of them, congratulating them, pointing out their strengths and admitting my admiration of them. Most times, it took little to no energy at all...and it creates a sort of adrenaline rush knowing I may have made that persons day..or at least given them a moment of respect that made them smile.

The adrenaline rush of kindness is so much more comforting and warm than the adrenaline rush of anger. But as a good friend once said, "being angry is just so much fun sometimes!" This is sadly true for me...I believe my pride and the jollies I get in hurting others have a criminal relationship when it comes to my character and I have sadly hurt people in my life that did not deserve it.

Today I apologized to someone I once held high respect for and in one year completely lost...and I sadly, felt no closure in doing so. My actions have become so self absorbed and foolish that apologies are no longer enough. I feel as though I owe this person my own hardened soul if it can help in any way to heal his own. I feel guilty for his current troubles, the constant dread of knowing I drove him to his saddened state. I get angry when think of how his irresponsible actions should not be my burden to bear...yet equally feel responsible for bearing all that I can until he is once again the man I respected and looked up to.

In recent years I have become spoiled by kind words of pride and congrats from family and friends...yet I now sit here and feel that I have not done the same in return equally. I feel as though I have caused more harm than happiness. So many people around me deserve my deepest and most genuine of apologies yet even now as I admit my horrible fault and desire to change it, I cannot get myself to do what is right and put myself on that vulnerable line one stands on when she must admit she was oh, so very wrong.

Pride is my worst deadly sin, it kills me little by little everyday. So for now I will at least return the favor to those who have recently been kind to me and prompted me to write this blog:

In no particular order:
Abby
Jennifer W
Jenn H-W
Luke
Carolina
James
Jessica
Adrinna
Chayo
Jessica(cuzzo version)
Top
LTC Cowley
Melissa M
Erika
Gabriel
Adrian
Isabel
Mom
&
Mom
Dad

Thank you for being the wonderful people you all are

Babies!!

2009-06-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ok.. for those of you that read this and know me well, you probably are familiar with my stand on having children. In a nutshell, I believe ADULTS should have children when they know that they can and are willing to devote their life to them. If....IF a child is born by MISTAKE then of course the parent does not have the choice in the matter but has to stand up and devote his and her life whether they want to or not.

Do all parents do this? mistake or intentional, no, of course not all do this..there are some horrible parents out there. Ironically, from my experience I have seen many, many children reared by some of the greatest parents I have ever seen that did not by any means intend on having children when they did...but that is the price of owning up to your responsibilities...seeing great results.

However, as stated above, this is not always the case. Sometimes people who were brought up in less than acceptable conditions like to continue the cycle of the horrible hand that was dealt to them as a child, rather than making things right.

What constitutes as 'responsible parenting'? There is a particular misconception that I see played out ocassionally by certain people that has brought on this blog. And it seems to be a mistake (some people in particular) continually make even though he or she knows the outcome is never less than catastrophic, because he or she has done it before.

And it deals with those types that have mistakenly created a life they did not intend on creating.

It is this: getting someone pregnant or impregnated by someone and feeling obligated to stay with that person because of that pregnancy.

omg. We are in 2009 right? First, a one night stand pregnancy is not as glamorous in real life as it is in the movie Knocked Up....ITS A MOVIE!!! Getting 'knocked up' by an avid pot smoker is not going to usually end in a fairy tale happy ending with a suddenly responsible father. And vice versa for the guys, getting a 'I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm afraid of being alone' rebound fling pregnant isn't going to make her the one you can bring home to mamma.

Convincing yourself otherwise is not solving any problem, its actually making the situation worse. This should be obvious especially to those who HAVE TRIED THIS TACTIC BEFORE...if staying with the mother of your children because you didn't want to be labeled a 'bad father' didn't work the first time...chances are it isn't going to work the second time. A good father wouldn't be making a bunch of children every where across the country to begin with!! You done labeled yourself already by not being responsible to begin with....which brings us to the second half to the question, "we are in 2009 right?": morning after pill, birth control pills, spermicide, CONDOMS (especially when you just met the person for you one night stand types because there are these 3 letters that can be the doom of you...S.T. and D!)

which makes you not only irresponsible but also gross. Alcohol is not an excuse, you are gross.

2009 People!!!...supposed ADULTS should know better. And yet here we are. In a world full of people too cowardly to be honest and own up to their responsibilities with humility and honesty and say, "look, this wasn't suppose to happen, you weren't suppose to last and now that we are in this situation I'm tied to someone I barely know for at least 18 more years." and then to follow through with your TRUE feelings, if you never fall for the person you never fall for the person..but do not give him or her false hope that you are in love and going to get married and then maybe actually do it and somewhere down the road get an inevitable divorce.

Now I have never been pregnant, but that last line above I do know from experience..if its not love, its not love...end it early and stand your ground with confidence and courage, it will hurt the other person for a minute..but the longer you fake the funk the harder it will become to make things right...

If not you could end up with someone who covers his loneliness with false statements of love and in reality will be with anyone that just gives him the time of day...and possibly the occasional baby.

Why am I giving energy to this subject? because I am tired of being reminded of the morons I am associated with who do this by seeing Ruckerette's faces in association with my friends when I know she is inevitably going to be Voldemort part II in a few years and all her supposed new friends are going to bash her like they do the current Voldemort but for now they are pretending everything is wonderful BECAUSE YOU ARE A DISHONEST PERSON AND THINK YOU CAN SAVE YOUR NAME BY TRYING TO DO THE 'RIGHT' THING.

but the smart ones know its a sham.

Proposition 8

2008-10-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

This is a myspace influenced blog, as embarrassing as that is to admit, it is one that I will confess with some dignity. But many of my friends on the site have been posting bulletins, updates and even comments on my page with propaganda telling everyone to vote NO on the proposition come November and this has influenced me to vent my thoughts on this initiative.

I think its gay.

(hahaha! I crack myself up sometimes...)

No, but really, why is this even an issue? Why do people insist on meddling in the personal lives of other people? I mean I understand that there are legal issues that are being dealt with if this proposition passes: basically whether or not couples are given the same legal rights equally in terms of financial stability, health and the over all welfare of a family. But essentially, lets be honest, this is about discrimination. The real issue here is that change comes very slowly and after all this time our society still can't get it right: we fear that which we do not understand. It wasn't that long ago when it was illegal for those of a different race to marry or even fraternize (my biracial ass is the product of evil relations..) and as ridiculous of a matter as that may seem today...that is exactly how ridiculous this matter today is going to seem 50 years from now.

I can hear my grand babies now, "Dang Grandma, didn't you guys have anything more important to worry about..like the war???"

I am not a lesbian. I do not have the desire to fall in love with or have a romantic type relationship with another woman because I am not biologically capable of being attracted to people of my gender. NO I do not believe homosexuality is choice, I absolutely could not choose to be lesbian. I do not understand what it is like to love another woman or to have relations with another woman in that way. It is something I simply can not fathom. BUT...I am willing to accept, embrace even, that there are those among me...who can, who will and who do.

Those who support this proposition really do have weak arguments. The one argument they have that I agree with is the whole 'teaching homosexuality in schools.' I don't even remember being taught about heterosexual marriage in schools and now there are those who want homosexual marriage to be part of the curriculum? Marriage and family is something that really needs to be left to be taught at home..whether it be hetero or homo... now health classes are a little different, children do need guidance in making responsible decisions...but the schools job isn't to tell children what they can and can't think, the school is a place where all options are laid on the table and children are left to explore, examine, contemplate and come up with their own thoughts and ideas. Let the parents tell kids what to do, school should be the place where students can ask questions their ignorant ass parents won't give them answers to.

So this argument essentially becomes one on how education in the U.S. should be handled rather than whether or not gays should be allowed to marry....and it also becomes another blog for a later date.

Now we get to the big time argument they have...marriage is holy. Okay.... so is divorce holy too? Because that seems to follow over 50% of the marriages we have here in the U.S. Why aren't we attacking divorced people for being unholy? Maybe we should put a limit on how many times a person is allowed to marry before he or she is considered spawn of Satan. In fact, lets also put an age limit since 60% of couples who marry before the age 25 divorce AND it should be illegal for unmarried couples who live together to ever marry because they are more likely to get a divorce then those couples who don't. Oh, and what about passing good morals to our children? Let's punish those who divorce when there are children involved because they have put their children in danger of continuing the cycle by 59%.

I read an article a while back about a lesbian couple that got married by Mayor Newsome after having been together for 49 years...and did it again 4 years later when the Supreme Court deemed it unconstitutional to deny homosexuals the right to Marry in California...making it a total of 53 years this couple remained loyal and in love with one another. Their names are Cheryl Devall and Phyllis Lyon...the two unholiest people to walk the face of this country...what horrible women to stay so devoted to one another.

That whole civil union crap is garbage because then anybody can claim to be..civilly united, er whatever and rob the state of benefits not owed to them. I just want to point that out..I won't go into that one more because its pretty obvious that it is retarded. Oh, and a movie was made about it!!

I understand that our country was founded by Christian means...in fact I accept that regardless of my beliefs religiously, my morals will always be Christian based...as are ALL Americans morals are. I'm not talking about Americans who earned their keep here after they arrived on the boat, I mean Americans born and raised or at least raised here since they were children. Easy for me to say right, I was raised Catholic...well, yeah okay...but not until I was about 8 or 9...before that I was told I didn't believe in God. My opinions on religion are a whole other topic...but regardless of my feelings toward the issue, my learned morals derive from Christianity...whether I like it or not...and not because of my family's religious background...but because of my Country's religious background.

So...I will give the proponents of Prop. 8 that point...yes, we Americans are Christian by nature... something we can not help but be... However...the constitution was written in a way that would allow evolution to take place. And yeah the writers of the constitution were not perfect, they did not have ALL of humankinds best interest in mind..but if we choose to harp on ancient ideals and force them upon an ever changing world...we would not be the powerful country we are today. Our money maker is in our ability to make change for the betterment of ALL of our citizens....not a chosen few. Our country is far more diverse now then it was during those times the Christians initially took over, discrimination has proven over and over again in our history to be the weight that slows us down from progressing further...and once again we are letting that anvil win...

Look, just let them get married...you all are giving my future grandkids too much fuel to ridicule my ignorant generation...

Why open another one?

2008-10-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know...because I am bored.

actually, the first blog is all random and slightly awkward...hence the description of "random whateverness..." I want to have one that is a little more structured and specific...for the rare moments that my mind suddenly feels like it wants to follow order and color within the lines...if that makes sense at all.

Actually, sometimes there are things that I come upon that cause me great contemplation and wonder...and since I am no longer a theatre major, I no longer have the ability to display my thoughts and feelings in a way that fulfills my desire to make or inspire change...at least not in the way that I have been trained to do it in.

With that said, I think the title of this blog fits quite nicely. It is a reference to one of my favorite characters from classical literature, Don Quijote. A man that everyone around him thought was silly and foolish but in reality may have been too idealistic and pure of a human being to inhabit the world he lived in. To "tilt at windmills" is a romantic way of calling someone quixotic...an attempt to either fight against something that does not really exist or is too fantastic to even challenge.

An under-appreciated friend of mine, who claims I am too much of a 'hippie' to be in the military, would argue with me many times that, "you can't save the world, someone has to suffer in order for others to succeed." and my response to him was always the same, " So what are we suppose to do? Nothing? It doesn't mean I can't try and save something." and with that he would nod his head in touche and we would end our conversation until next time...that is what this will be.

A conversation on how to save the world from giants disguised as windmills.

:0)